Sometimes It Just Feels Like It's All Your Fault

 Sometimes I can't help but think that the reason everything I've been involved in failed because I was involved in it.

Saxophone

So, I started writing this when I was feeling really low. I was frustrated that I am not where I want to be in my career. I was frustrated that I've failed so many times and haven't given up. It was a moment in which I almost did give it up. When the outbreak hit, the band I am in stopped rehearsing to prevent contagion. We're a six piece group in a small, enclosed space. Two of us play wind instruments. 

I can't help think that it's my fault that the groups I've tried forming have failed. There were many factors, but sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't been there. Would they have succeeded? These kinds of thoughts get me to a dark place really quickly. 

When I returned to this draft, I had just spent a bit of time watching old performances. I saw how much I've improved since I started playing. I know I'm a great saxophonist, yet somehow the impostor syndrome kicks in and I begin questioning it. 

I regret to say that I haven't practiced diligently since April or May. I've picked up my saxophone a couple times during this pandemic. The desire to play has left. I've played guitar at least once a week, so music is still a large part of my week, but saxophone will always be my true love. What happened? 

I wish I knew. I wish I didn't have destructive thoughts about my career. 

Pandemic 

The events that have happened in UT since March 18 was not something we could've predicted. All the projects and gigs I had lined up for this year got cancelled. We were looking at a demo to be done by June and have a solid song line up for our Halloween show. We wanted to have a full length album released in the near future. I was scheduled to play bass in a community production of a well-loved musical. My duet was starting to write our own original songs and had started to sign up for open-mic events. I was able to return to the community jazz band I've been a part of for the last three years. Not to mention all of the concerts that I would've attended, touring and local. 

Things were going great, it looked to be a great year. I guess in a way, I'm mad that it happened and that we are living the way we are. I understand how we got here. 

The pandemic is something I know isn't my fault. I know that there's nothing I could do (by myself) to fix the whole problem. It's something that's completely out of my hands. 

Optimistic

A friend and I were reminiscing on live concerts we attended together. I explained to them how much I missed live music and they proceeded to tell me that things will go back to normal. Sometimes I find that hard to believe. 

As I continue to live my day to day life, some days I think "maybe they're right," 

I look forward to the day when my band can rehearse again and I can play saxophone at public events. 

 

Covid-19 Update: Week 1 --- Uncharted Territory

When the Governor of Utah gave a two-week student dismissal as a precaution to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, most of us teacher wondered what it meant for us.

To our surprise, it meant that suddenly we were moving to online learning platforms. Teacher employed by the district were to spend Monday & Tuesday uploading their curriculum online. The goal was to implement the online learning on Wednesday.

Private instructors, like myself -- employed by a third party, sat in limbo while our employer found ways for our classes to continue. All the questions came rushing through my head. Do I still have to teach? Am I losing my job? What will happen to my children? Will they continue practicing? Who is gonna cheer them on through these next few weeks? How can i keep my students entertained during this time?

I spent most of my Saturday night and Sunday morning preparing for what I thought would be a temporary fix to the situation. I just wanted to give them a way to continue practicing and receiving feedback. By Monday, I had received the news that I was going to teach online & my curriculum should be uploaded by Wednesday.
Piece of cake, I had already begun my quest for online teaching tools. This was gonna be easy!

Wednesday was not kind.

The Salt Lake Valley woke up to a thundering 5.7 magnitude earthquake.

 The earthquake rattled me a lot more than I like to admit (although clearly I'm admitting to it).Still in uncharted territory, using the platforms I was most familiar with, I had submitted all my assignments for students to access with due dates and everything. I included detailed instructions and a paragraph about how due to the unforeseen circumstances, if the assignments were late, that was okay. I really just wanted them to become familiar with the program.

Then we get to the issues. Not every student has accesses to the proper equipment needed to complete assignments properly. I worry that some parents are not reading the emails, or flat out ignoring me. I worry, constantly, about my students who were struggling and how I can help them understand the concepts. I'm extremely grateful for the parents who continuously support me & my program. They are the reason I can continue doing what I love.

Being a music teacher, in uncharted territory, I've learned that I am not alone. The last week, I've spent countless hours on conference calls with colleagues all around the state and country trying to figure this out. We are all doing the same but different things. Spent hours uploading my curriculum, only to find it was uploaded wrong and had to start over.

Don't try to re-invent the wheel. Keep your students engaged and entertained. Provide learning and instruction but also don't be super picky.
Watch the video below. This was a webinar provided by the NAMM Foundation & NAfME. It's about this exact thing we are living and trying to figure out. Bridging the Gap: Learning and Teaching Music Online.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSUaMeIyCVc&feature=youtu.be

Now, the biggest concern I have is: how am I going to recruit for next year's band program?
Many schools across the country are closing for the rest of the school year. This takes away from performance opportunities for my students, which are often used as recruitment tools. Recruitment is key in keeping a beginning band program alive.
I honestly don't know what I am going to do, but you best bet that I will be on more phone calls trying to figure it out.

This is all new.