Sometimes I can't help but think that the reason everything I've been involved in failed because I was involved in it.
Saxophone
So, I started writing this when I was feeling really low. I was frustrated that I am not where I want to be in my career. I was frustrated that I've failed so many times and haven't given up. It was a moment in which I almost did give it up. When the outbreak hit, the band I am in stopped rehearsing to prevent contagion. We're a six piece group in a small, enclosed space. Two of us play wind instruments.
I can't help think that it's my fault that the groups I've tried forming have failed. There were many factors, but sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't been there. Would they have succeeded? These kinds of thoughts get me to a dark place really quickly.
When I returned to this draft, I had just spent a bit of time watching old performances. I saw how much I've improved since I started playing. I know I'm a great saxophonist, yet somehow the impostor syndrome kicks in and I begin questioning it.
I regret to say that I haven't practiced diligently since April or May. I've picked up my saxophone a couple times during this pandemic. The desire to play has left. I've played guitar at least once a week, so music is still a large part of my week, but saxophone will always be my true love. What happened?
I wish I knew. I wish I didn't have destructive thoughts about my career.
Pandemic
The events that have happened in UT since March 18 was not something we could've predicted. All the projects and gigs I had lined up for this year got cancelled. We were looking at a demo to be done by June and have a solid song line up for our Halloween show. We wanted to have a full length album released in the near future. I was scheduled to play bass in a community production of a well-loved musical. My duet was starting to write our own original songs and had started to sign up for open-mic events. I was able to return to the community jazz band I've been a part of for the last three years. Not to mention all of the concerts that I would've attended, touring and local.
Things were going great, it looked to be a great year. I guess in a way, I'm mad that it happened and that we are living the way we are. I understand how we got here.
The pandemic is something I know isn't my fault. I know that there's nothing I could do (by myself) to fix the whole problem. It's something that's completely out of my hands.
Optimistic
A friend and I were reminiscing on live concerts we attended together. I explained to them how much I missed live music and they proceeded to tell me that things will go back to normal. Sometimes I find that hard to believe.
As I continue to live my day to day life, some days I think "maybe they're right,"
I look forward to the day when my band can rehearse again and I can play saxophone at public events.
